I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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