The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You made out with two different species that night
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize