i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
