She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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