I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
