I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
