I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
