: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You are the jesus of drinking
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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