I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
