I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
