For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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