like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
