I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
