Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
