mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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