The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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