I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
