you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize