I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I stole a fireplace last night.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
