he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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