You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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