Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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