if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
