Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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