Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
