This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
