my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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