Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
