the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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