then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
