I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
