I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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