I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize