is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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