This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
