you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
