There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
