thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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