Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
This is my gift to your gina
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
