Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
