New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
