dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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