i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
