dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
