I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just found puke in my bra..
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
