She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize