You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
