I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
