my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
She bit a glass in half.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
