I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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