thus making me awesome and them whores
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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