Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
