Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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