Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
