yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
