vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
