I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
