I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
