he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize