I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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