Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize