She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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