I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
