What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
