can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
