I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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