im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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