Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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