I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm too high and old for this...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
