Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Do vagina's smell?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
