Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
