woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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