Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
