I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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