The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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